He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
