Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
