It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
