You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
