I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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