I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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