I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
