I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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