he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
