You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
