So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
