Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
