im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
