I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
