I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
