Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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