census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
