Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
