You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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