You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
