Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Shame - the story of my life.
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