the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
