I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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