His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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