I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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