Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
