got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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