i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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