Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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