the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
