can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
