It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
