he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
