Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
