they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
