I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
