Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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