You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
