my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
