New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
