I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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