they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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