Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
