I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize