I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
