i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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