Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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