No awkward lesbian experiences without me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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