I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
