Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
