i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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