my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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