I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
