Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Welp...herpes.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
