my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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