Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
