If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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