Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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